Mariah Carey


Whenever March and April come around I brace myself for Mariah to call up last minute and suggest sweetly ‘’hey what you doing next week? Wanna come and join me for a last minute 27th March anniversary /Wedding nuptial renewals/ vacation/party/celebration?’’. And yet whilst I know that I have pressing things to attend to here at home-how can you refuse an offer like that from a living legend like Mariah?
It used to knock me off kilter when I was a boring Capricorn that likes to plan her diary at least a month in advance but I’ve learnt over the years to ‘’be malleable’’.
This year the call came around 10 days ahead-which for her majesty Mrs Cannon is pretty decent notice!.
After throwing in 10 bathing suits, a couple of dresses and a tracky into my now extremely battered suitcase, I Jumped on an American Airlines flight wearing my Gucci boots and very English classic lady look. At check-in the stewardess mentioned that she followed my column and as I checked in at the gate I was informed that my seat had been changed. Assuming that my lovely aisle seat had been given to another and I’d been chucked mid-row my neck started twisting outta shape as I questioned ‘’why have you moved me?’’. I was ready to kick off before feeling real stupid as the clerk smiled ‘’we’ve upgraded you’’. ‘‘Oh’’ I giggled embarrassed and had a very pleasant experience sleeping flat all the way en route to my girls pad in New York.
Once I arrived at Mr and Mrs Cannons lair I was informed there was a note for me in the kitchen. Reading it I was informed that because Mr C awakes at 4am for his daily breakfast radio slot, the Carey-Cannons were already in bed (it was midnight), but that they’d left me ‘’some food in the fridge’’. Trying not to jump for joy as my mouth dribbled at the sight of UBER bourgeois eatery Mr Chows legendary squab in iceberg lettuce, I continued reading….’’oh, and there’s a surprise for you in the media room’’.
Curiosity out did my exhaustion as I padded down to the media den where our mutual friend had been waiting with MC all day to surprise me with her newborn baby!.
I gushed and got my broody on for a couple of hours .We are all inspired by our friends beautiful baby.
Not wanting to waste food that costs as much as my weekly wage-(ok I may be exaggerating- but only slightly), I then had Mr Chows for breakfast too before us 3 girls (MC, myself and Rachel) piled into the black convoy of vehicles that carried us to the private airfield to one of Mrs C’s favourite places in the world-Puerto Rico!.

En route to PR we played the same silly games that 12 year old girls all over the planet play whilst nibbling on crudités and sipping coconut water . I promised not to tweet that we were going to PR so I tweeted ‘’the islands’’ instead. I shouldn’t have bothered cos on arrival at the San Juan airfield the paparazzi was lurking in ambush for Mrs C and the tabloids had her plastered all over the next morning, and I just shrugged my shoulders and quipped ‘’right then, I’ll get tweeting haha’’.
En route to our lovely location at 2am MC insisted on stopping at an American superstore version of Boots chemist, to pick up ‘’noodles for the water’’ and ‘’candy for her husband’’ ( translation-what we Brits call floaties and sweets ’’. I know I should be used to it by now but every time MC insists on walking into regular stores and shopping it makes me chortle hard inside .If only they could see her now. The stores staff tried to hold it down but eventually cracked as a line of picture requests politely gathered and MC quickly accepted them all. (as the drive continued I had to wonder; why are there SO MANY burger kings in PR?))
That evening we had a small slumber party in our pyjamas and caught up as the Carey-Cannons 3 puppies ( JJ, Cha Cha and their son Dolomite) ran amok around us. We lovingly call them the 3 –puppy- circus due to their constant bouncing and whizzing around us. At one point in his excitement, Dolomite bounced up as we were playing and managed to pull my top clean off! It was like a slow motion cartoon where I protectively clutched my lady parts in modesty!.
I assumed it was just a one off accident until moments later when he sprinted out of MC’s room with her just- laid –out- panties in his mouth as MC and he proceeded to have a hysterical tug of war. That puppy is officially a freak.
For the next few days we hung out on the veranda admiring the ocean, amazing sculpted fauna and golf courses, Olympic sized pools, hot tubs and play pools, marina and breath taking rain forests in the distance, ate well and slept. Female pup Cha Cha clearly knows she’s one of the ladies and would hang out with us all day curling up wherever we were. Most afternoons we migrated to the boat and jumped in and out of the ocean as we had our surf lessons and swam out to the famous island where MC shot her legendary classic ‘’Honey’’ video.
I don’t know how it happens but Mr and Mrs C’s pets always love the water whether its an ocean, pool or hot tub. MC was the perfect student and persevered in the water until she was surfing away with the 3 pups surfing on her board simultaneously with her. It had to be seen to be believed!. I gave it a few shots then stuck to the basic activity of floating lazily doing nothing and then jumping back on the boat and machete whacking the hell out of the fresh coconuts and scooping out the delicious flesh, scaring Mrs C silly that I’d do myself an injury. In the evening we debated about American food being better than England’s food, and argued long and hard about which we preferred and was the most authentic. Mrs C also cussed us all out for being on our digital devices all day long what with some on twitter, facebook and the guys checking sports constantly , ‘’whilst we were all in such a beautiful place’’.
On April Fools Day everyone tried to trick everyone. I told them ‘’in England it only counts before noon’’. Thereafter ‘’in England’’ (in a haughty lady of the manor voice) became a joking point to cuss me with every few minutes. A couple of tricks did go down but I’ve been sworn to secrecy. One afternoon we hung by the pool where poolside Liam Gallagher and all of Prodigy were knocking back the beers and having fun as the odd American that recognised them became overly excited..

Mr C-AKA Mr Nick Cannon, as usual had a long working week with his daily radio show early every morning then his filming for “Americas Got Talent” , which meant he cold only join us on the Good Friday in Puerto Rico.
On the Saturday we jumped on the Carey-Cannons jet which whisked us off to  Orlando where we spent another couple of days having fun. Of course Easter Sunday we remembered the Lord and chilled out, (‘’Jesus is the reason for the season’’-Nicks fave line!) .
On Easter Monday we contemplated joining the public Easter egg hunt where 4000 people would be hunting eggs but then Nick got his grown man on and put it into perspective for us and reminded us that the publics focus would quickly go from hunting eggs to hunting Mrs C. We knew he was bang on point so instead we began our day (at 5pm) painting Easter eggs. No. Really. Myself, Mr and Mrs C and our good friend Rachel got all competitive dyeing eggs, painting on motifs, and being crazy competitive. We had Easter baskets with loads of fresh eggs, paint, sparkles, ribbon, confetti, you name it, our eggs weren’t ever gonna be anything but first class!
I painted a cool baby pink egg and frosted it with silver sparkles. I had no shame in stealing Mr and Mrs C’s artistic egg ideas too and stuck funny faces on them. If you think all this sounds too surreal well picture this. Myself, Rachel and MC did all this wearing baby pink bunny ears throughout. Yep- we’re forever 12. Nick even bought Mrs C a toy princess tiara, earrings and necklace from the toy store that were appropriately pink yet lavender.
On my final day before I had to jet back home Mr and Mrs C took me to Universal Orlando theme park where they say ‘’you ride the movies’’. It was no empty boast-the rollercoaster’s were amazing!. We went on the RIP RIDE ROCKIT  -scary as hell, fast, high and the drops were stomach curdling. I didn’t open my eyes once!. Next it was THE INCREDIBLE HULK COASTER and THE DUELLING DRAGONS where I decided to bite the bullet and stay open eyed throughout-it was magical. We were riding them at sunset so the colours and lights around the city were stunning. Of course when you attend with Mr and Mrs C you don’t line up-you’re escorted very quickly and expertly by a security team that whisked us backstage from ride to ride. Every now and again people would spot the superstar couple and cheer and applaud . Just another day in the life of the Carey Cannons but to me-these are once in a lifetime adventures I’ll treasure for ever!. Happy anniversary MRS C!

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